Bread Weapon Making 101

Start with a clean slate - know nothing about making bread. It might be even better if you don't even like bread and wish for nothing better than inflicting bread upon your unsuspecting enemies. Next, find a cookbook with lots of pictures. Peruse the instructions to see if it goes into enough detail to seem helpful - you don't know how to make bread, how do you know what's actually helpful? Page through the bread recipes to find a type of bread that seems suitable for a weapon. I decided on baguettes due to their elongated shape - that way there's a handhold and still plenty of surface for bludgeoning. Perhaps a batard could be used as a projectile from a very high place, but I thought I'd start simple.

Now gather your ingredients, making sure you have the oldest ingredients possible. If it's aged, it has withstood the test of time and is worthy of being a part of a bread weapon. It's very important to read the instructions carefully. Make sure to keep the instructions handy at all times as you prepare your bread weapon so that you can cross-reference at will. This is a tricky process that requires careful calculation, patience only up to a point and endurance.

Another key trick is to only follow some of the durations in the instructions. If it says to knead the dough for 5-7 minutes, do it for as long as physically possible. 2 or 3 days should do it. And when it says to let it rise for 1.5 to 2 hours, do exactly that. Even though it tells you that the dough should double in bulk. They really mean that any change that you sorta, maybe notice is good enough.

Oh, and don't slash the bread right before baking. It becomes a weak point in the final product. Best to keep it an unbroken surface. Your weapon is done when your sharpest bread knife, cleaver, axe, won't even ding the surface of the bread. Take it from me.